Files and Records and Poems... Oh My!

Today's mind-blowing inquiry comes to us courtesy of my dear friend, Stacy.  Stacy and I share one of those unique types of friendships where we don't communicate for months/years, then manage to catch up right where we left off with no trouble whatsoever.  Those friends are great to have around.  Here's a portrait I drew to commemorate Stacy and my long-standing friendship.

Stacy asks: 1) Is your file on record, or your record on file?
                  2) If your file is on record where is your record?

I think we've all wondered the exact same thing at some point in our lives, Stacy.  Let me see if I can give you a definitive answer... IN DIFFERENT POETIC FORMS!

A) Limericks

There once was a girl from West Bended
Who asked questions that seemed open-ended.
Was her record on file?
Was it thrown in a pile?
For what has she been apprehended?

That very same girl from West Bended:
Her law-breaking charges were contended.
Her record: expunged!
She's clean as a sponge!
But its memory never has ended...

2) Villanelle

Is my record on file
Or is vice-versa true?
Which is correct style?

I've run mile after mile,
Grown nauseous, blue.
This better be worthwhile

Because I won't be reviled
For my follow through!
Please don't be hostile

But rather, smile
As I give my view
In a short while.

Sorry for my poetic guile,
But I've paid my due
And hopefully made you smile;

Yes, that means you, Kyle.
Now, don't start a hullaballoo
When you realize I've compiled
Not a single answer about files.

3) Haiku

Are files on record?
Stacy's quite the inquirer.
I may not answer.

Just kidding, Stacy!
I answer everything asked...
Some just take longer.

Like yours, for instance.
Brains can't take your rhetoric.
File on record wins.

Stay tuned for my next entry which will be the closest I shall ever come to discussing Jersey Shore!

Weather-Induced Trouble to Local Favorites

Salutations, dear readers!  I apologize for the delay in posting, but I have been busy doing very, very important work - so important, in fact, that if I give you any details, a red laser dot may appear on my forehead and I will no longer be able to post at all.  I can only give you two words: pilot, stencil.

Today's question comes courtesy of an old friend - John!  And by "old," I mean "ancient," and by "friend," I mean "man."  I am about to put you into John's head as I show you EXACTLY what he is looking at right... NOW!

John asks: How do you think our Packers and Badgers will do this year?

Great question, Johnny!  I also appreciate how you capitalized both words even though they are common nouns!  Unfortunately, I do not think you are going to agree with my answer...

This is not a good year for packers.  In fact, it hasn't been a good year for packers since it's prime time back in the early 1920s when meat packing was at it's pinnacle.  In the last 20-30 years, the packing industry has been accused of having the most dangerous workplaces in modern America with over 3 times as many major injuries reported as the next most dangerous job in America.

The hot weather has also played a significant role in decreasing the amount of product that they can pack; many otherwise-meaty areas of the U.S. are experiencing heavy droughts, so it has been difficult to keep their livestock alive.  What last year accumulated in 11 inches of rain per square mile has dwindled to 5 inches of rain per square mile.  (This can be shown as an 11:5 ratio.)  Sadly, packers aren't the only living creatures that have been affected by the heat wave this summer.

The badger population in the Wisconsin area has been decreasing steadily this year.  Why is this?  Do they have natural predators here?  Although animals such as foxes, coyotes, and buzzards have predated badgers, they don't actually have a natural predator.  No; it is because of how hot the weather has been.

Wisconsin badgers are a cold-climate animal; they prefer playing around on a snow hill to playing around on a sand dune, so the unbearable heat this past few months has driven many badgers to run to cooler climates.  However, I have faith that out of the 12 possible foreseen scenarios that badgers could succumb to, they will successfully escape from at least 10 of them.

Once again, the Great Heat Wave of 2011 has led to the near-destruction of a couple of beloved local favorite.  Let's hope that things cool down soon and we have the opportunity to see both of them thrive in their natural habitats.

Stay tuned for the next question about files and records which I intend on turning into a limerick!

Libraries: The Bibliophile's Harem

Hello, lovelies!  Today's question is brought to us by Lisa, one of the coolest mom's in the history of Mom-dom.  I always like to post pictures (often scandalous) of my Question Askers, and I had to dig really deep to find a good, embarrassing one of Lisa.  She's going to be horrified.  Check it out!

Lisa asked the following questions:

1) Are bibliophiles born or made?
2) Nature or nurture?

Wonderful question, Lisa!  And who better than a Creative Writing Major to answer such a conundrum?

1) Let's get the easy one out of the way first.  Bibliophiles, or, as they are known to philistines, "NERDS," are both born and made.  The only difference lies in being birthed vs. being test-tubed. Either way, I believe it is true that one must certainly exist to be considered a book lover or not.  I have never met a non-existent person who believed otherwise.

2) Now for the fun question.  Does a book lover become so due to his nature (innate qualities) or due to his nurturing (personal experiences)?  The answer is, no doubt, the former; both written and oral language is a man-made creation which can only be interpreted and understood through environmental experiences, such as being spoken to, read to, or a crazy hybrid of the two.

"But, Steeeeeeve," one may whine, "I know someone who taught himself to read when he was, like, 3 years old!  No one ever helped him and now he's a total bibliophile!  Doesn't that prove nature can win over nurture?"

NO.  IT DOES NOT.  While I have heard this story myself, people do not take into account such factors as being spoken to as a baby and being read to while a toddler.  Try to imagine this: a deaf baby of any background is born and placed instantaneously into a life-sustaining room with nothing in it but picture-less chapter books from around the world.  How could this child, who is living in a socially vacuous environment, possibly have the ability to teach himself how to speak an existent language, let alone teach himself how to read a language without pictures to act as clues?  It would be an impossibility.  Children are brought up in a world of constant communication, whether it be the soft cooing of a mother, the non-verbal cues of a perplexed father staring at a full diaper, or the physical cues of an older sibling solidifying his dominance over the foreign invader.  This constant interaction with communication - from wake to sleep - habituates the child to the language he will use the rest of his life.  This long act of nurturing allows one to grow and ultimately decide: will I be a bibliophile or a philistine?  Without the nurturing, there is no innate decision.

On another note, I think all of you should check out this site - book lover or not - and see what it gives you.  It's pretty darn cool.

Stay tuned!  The next question is for anyone who loves badgers and packers!

Episode V: Clones on a Boat

Today's question of intrigue is brought to us by my dear friend-by-acquaintance-only, Derek.  Here is an artist's rendering of what Derek will look like 12 years from now: Derek: 2023

Derek asks:

1) If you clone yourself then kill your clone, is it murder or suicide?
2) If you give said clone a double-Dutch rudder, will a black hole form?

Once broken down, question one is quite simple.  The X-Factors are:
     A) How many times did you clone yourself?
     B) Do you suffer from Eisoptrophobia?
     C) Did you really kill your clone, or did you completely underestimate yourself?

If I were to take away the X-Factors, the simple answer would be "Murder," because you have vanquished a living and breathing being that does not and cannot occupy the same physical space that you, yourself, currently occupy.  Now let's see how the X-Factors change this otherwise-simple answer:

A) Congrats!  You've successfully cloned yourself several times and managed to get rid of Clone 1 because he started hitting on your lady.  You've just gotten out of "The Clink" after 4.5 years.  You were the prison cook and darn good at it.  Your Matzo Ball Soup was unmatched; however, you can't focus on that.  You're too mad at yourself for having gotten caught, so you decide to take it out on Clone 2.  You lure him back to the exact same spot that you whacked Clone 1, and... BOOM!  Double jeopardy!  Same crime cannot be tried twice, so you, my friend, are scot-free.  And since there is no consequence to this action, murder cannot be the ultimate interpretation.

B) Oh, no!  You suffer from eisoptrophobia and you've just turned around to see what seems to be your own reflection staring back at you!  Your first instinct is to attack, which is unfortunate for your clone as you successfully take him down for good (candlestick in the study).  The verdict: self-defense and insanity - NOT murder.  I mean, honestly, the only beings who should suffer from this phobia are animals and babies.  And I'm glad they do.  Because it's hilarious.

C) ...Or did you successfully kill your clone?  Have you really underestimated yourself to the point that you think lying there motionlessly for a few seconds means you're dead?  Come on.  Give yourself more credit.  I mean, you discovered the key to cloning!  Doesn't that count for anything anymore?  You know you better than anyone, and you know that playing dead is the ultimate way to take the attacker by surprise.  Even dogs know this.  Have Die Hard and What Lies Beneath taught you nothing?

On to Question 2: I know exactly why Derek asked this; Derek knows that I know absolutely nothing about boating accessories and he wants to trip me up and make me look stupid in front of my reader(s).  Now, Derek, there are many situations which could potentially cause a black hole: the collapse of a star's core, the collapse of a star's core values, or snarting.

I want to assure everyone reading this post that the gift of a rudder to your clone -- especially one of double-Dutch engineering -- which doesn't even focus on rudders, mind you -- will not cause a black hole.  In fact, depending on the rudder you choose to give, you and your clone may become quite close.  I highly recommend the Wedge Rudder if you have a V-Drive, the Small Cruiser Rudder for a fast ride, or the Balanced Universal Rudder for any boat you can possibly dream of.

Stay tuned for my next post which will answer the age-old question: Are book-lovers borne of nature, nurture, or nerd-dom?

Mother Mary, My Music, and Many More M's

Morgen!  This midday-matter was mentioned by Mother Mary (of Miles and Mary) pictured HERE on what I must imagine to be her matrimonial vacation.  She asks:

1) What's your favorite band and song?
2) Why?
3) Can you write a song about me? (Keep it clean; I'm a mom now!)

1)  Similar to the favorite ice cream question posted earlier, this question is tricky to answer.  My favorite songs have ranged from "When My Time Comes" by Dawes, to "Yesterday" by The Beatles, to "Frere Jacque" by Charles LeBouc, to "Yesterday" by Boyz II Men -- and that was just last week.   I find that my musical decisions are solely based on:
     A) My current life situation;
     B) My emotional stability
As of this very moment, I am currently A) typing and B) stable, so THIS is my favorite band and song.  Just imagine my face on that other guy's face and you have successfully pictured what I looked like at this very moment.

2) Because a long, long time ago, there was some sort of massive explosion or some sort of spiritual deity or some combination of the two (IMAGE) that began all things; X amount of millennium later, I was born with the overwhelming power of free will combined with a fairly noticeable lack in taste.

3) Of course I can, Ms. Mary.  The only milieu that I need to set for my dear readers is that I have yet to meet your young Finnegan due to the fact that I have simply been MIA to Miles and you (see: bad friend).  Therefore, this is going to be a song about Finnegan set to the tune of "Kilgany Mountain (Whiskey in the Jar)."  It will help to listen to THIS while reading through the lyrics.

Finnegan the Tiny (Baby Superstar)

     As I was goin' walkin'... around the Facebook Mountain,
     I noticed there was news a-springin' forth from Youth's Fountain.
     The fifth of March of this year, my friends had had a child.
     This tiny, Irish bundle left me awe-struck and beguiled (Hope that I... can meet... him soon...).
     
     (CHORUS)
     Miles is the Daddy-O
     Mary is the Mommy-O
     Finn's a baby superstar.

Thanks for the questions, Mary!  And to those of you who were counting: including the title of today's post and this last, tiny section, I have used 78 individual "M's" in this post.  Make that 80.

Stay tuned for the next post which involves questions surrounding cloning, morality, and boating!  (81)

Babies and Ice Cream

Today's Question-Asker, Elise, had a trifecta of questions for me:

1) How do I post a question?
2) Where do babies come from?
3) What is your favorite ice cream flavor and why?

Luckily for Elise, my answer to question one is pretty easy: CLICK HERE!  To paraphrase, some practical ways would be posting a comment on this blog, posting a comment on my Facebook wall, e-mailing me, or texting me.  Some impractical ways to post a question would be to translate your question into Sanskrit and mail it to me in a refrigerator box filled with packing peanuts, to paint your question on a large banner and fly it over Madison to get news coverage, or to knock me unconscious and whisper your question into my ear hoping that I would comprehend it and remember it when I awaken.  You have the power!

Elise's second question is only slightly more complicated.  My long answer involves topics such as awkward discussions with your parents; self-motivated research involving encyclopedias, dictionaries, and nausea relief medication; or even making up your own answer involving smiles and lie-down hugs.  My short answer is right here: WORK SAFE!

Elise's final question, a two-parter, is much more complicated.  While the foundation itself isn't so tough, what makes this difficult is timing.  At the current point in my life, only peanut butter cup ice cream holds the key to my stomach's heart.  I think of it, dream of it, and, ever-so rarely, get to eat it.  But what will tomorrow hold?  Will I rediscover my childhood love of cookies and cream?  Will I stumble upon a new ice cream flavor not yet tasted and get my mind blown?  Will I meet a talking cow who urges me to cease consuming its bodily products in a persuasive manner?  Only time will tell.  While baby origins and ridiculous ways to ask me a question will always be the same, the idea of "favorites" is an ever-evolving landscape.

Yes, Elise, I can give you this answer today; however, today is only the yesterday of tomorrow.

Stay tuned for today's tomorrow's questions from Mary, which will revolve around music, long-lost friends, and the writing of a new song!

THE FIRST QUESTION!!!

*horn blaring*   *whooping and hollering*    *multiple balloons falling from ceiling*

Congratulations to MOLLY, my very first* Question-Asker!  As an award, I offer Molly a link to something that she will, undoubtedly, love... REWARD!

Now, to answer her question: Molly asked me how to post a question on my blog via posting a question on my blog.  As Molly initially suspected, her reckless Catch-22 has created a medium-sized tear in the space-time continuum just outside of my living room window.  Though the tear is quickly sucking me into a limbo-ish void, it has allowed me to view the truths behind many of times greatest mysteries, among them: aliens designed, but didn't build, the pyramids; Jimmy Hoffa is buried under Yankee Stadium along with $56,000 cash (Gherig's number); Alyssa Milano was, in fact, the worst actress to ever win an Oscar for Best Actress.

Any and all who enter here, you may ask me questions by commenting on my blog, e-mailing me, Facebook messaging me, or shooting me a text (if you're so lucky as to have my contact info, of course).  I will reply as ephemerally as possible.

*Paul of the "Ode on a Paul-ian Urn" alleges that he was the first person to both post a comment and ask a question, but apparently lacks the Interweb wherewithal to successfully execute this task.  If ever he discovers the way to accomplish such a difficult chore, I will reward him as well.  Cross your fingers for him, everyone..... PAUL! PAUL! PAUL!